Wait, Are Juliette and Alex Really Over?! Spencer Pratt Helps Us Cope with All the Heartbreak (the Dramz, Too) on Last Night's 'Siesta Key'

February 21, 2019

The weather on last night’s Siesta Key? Stormy AF. Hurricane Juliette ripped through town, leaving devastation and broken hearts in her wake.

Is the party truly over for Alex and Juliette (oh, and we’re not even talking about the girl she’s going to catch him with next week)? Are Garrett and Cara done? What’s going to happen to Ben and Madisson now that she’s been in Brandon’s music video? Will Chloe ever sell a million-dollar house? And what the hell is Garrett doing with those frosted tips?

To get a fresh take on all the heartbreak, we called up Spencer Pratt. And The King of Reality TV had lots to say about the assorted royalty of America’s second-best beach town.

Honestly cannot wait for @spencerpratt thoughts on this episode #SiestaKey

On Juliette and Alex’s relationship:

Juliette and Alex—the king and queen of the key, if that’s what we’re calling them—are getting to be a little too much. I’m starting to think they’re like Speidi 2008. It’s just hard to believe that one couple has so much drama all the time and there isn’t a writer somewhere just spitting out pages for them.

Look at Alex’s behavior. Would someone like Juliette really deal with that? Now, I know why people didn’t want Heidi to be with me. And I wasn’t even that bad. When Pauly was talking all that shit to Juliette, Alex didn’t say one thing. Not even a, “No Pauly, I don’t love you more.” Ridiculous.

It’s like: Look Alex, you had sex with Juliette (as far as we know). She’s always telling us she loves you and that you love her back. I feel like that should equate to more than the love you have for your cousin who can’t even get his shirt on right side out. No disrespect if my man Pauly was trying to start a new fashion trend. Should have spoken about it to Kelsey for the fashion advice first.

On why Alex just can’t tell Pauly to STFU when he gets involved in his relationship drama:

Pauly hypes him up so hard that maybe Alex appreciates that energy more than the Juliette energy. He always feels like he does so much for Juliette and she never praises him like he wants to be praised. But Pauly’s always over here saying, “Alex is the king of the Key, bow down to him, he’s a god. He even makes pasta with salmon for his loyal subjects.” Maybe Alex just enjoys that more than having a hot girlfriend that loves him and has sex with him.

On Juliette picking a fight with Alex because Garrett was looking at her:

Alex was kind of right about the fact that she was trying to provoke him into fighting Garrett. Did you see that guy? Alex was a goner. I’ve been to that little pull-up bar and the drinks they serve are pretty stiff…

Alex’s thoughts here were: I don’t need to be getting in any fights or altercations. And I don’t disagree with him. Who cares if Garrett is looking at you, Juliette? It’s Garrett. What’s he gonna do? Say something mean about you in one of his Skype personal training sessions? I think he’s looking at you because your boyfriend clearly doesn’t care about you and Garrett’s clearly entertained because, Ha ha ha, aren’t you glad you left me, a dude who wanted to give you everything including a customized workout plan to fit your specific physical and dietary needs, for a dude who will always choose his ragtag cousin over you?

It’s not like some stranger making lewd gestures at Juliette. It’s your former boyfriend with his new girlfriend and his newly-frosted tips looking over you across a small table. He makes one smug smile and you’re all “will no one rid me of this meddlesome ex?” Nah. Should have just had another drink and gone out on Alex’s boat.

On Juliette’s maturity:

This was the first episode that I realized how young Juliette really is. I realized that I’m watching a kid. I don’t know—I felt like, Girl, maybe you need to get back to class instead of focusing on whatever it is you think you’ve got going on with Alex.

She seemed so professional when we had her on the podcast. Like she had it all together. But then you watch her go after Alex and Cara on the episode and you wonder whether she was ever mature to begin with.

I wish she’d just said, “Yo, Cara, we don’t have to like each other, but we’ve all got to get along if we’re going to blackout together. Let’s be real: Alex has fucked everyone here. I don’t give a fuck about what you used to be.” That would have been a thousand times more baller.

On Juliette breaking up with Alex:

When she said, “We’re broken up,” that’s when I realized she’s a just-turned-21-year-old girl. The fact you just throw the word “break up” around. Nobody should be in a relationship where a break up is thrown around like, “Hey what should we get for dinner?”

Okay, yeah, Pauly was a jerk, but Alex can barely put sentences together, Juliette’s clearly been monitoring how much he’s been drinking. and now she wants Alex to yell at her ex for looking at her because that’s what a boyfriend “should do?”

Obviously, Alex could easily have said, “No Pauly, let’s dial it down,” but like he was already shocked that she was getting worked up about Garrett looking at her. Alex already thinks “Juliette’s always trying to fight with me,” so I get why he wasn’t all excited to stumble over and give Garrett a talking-to.

I like Juliette. I feel like she’s just young. Either she’s really smart and doing this to make a good TV show that I love, or she’s like my mom and literally just loves the drama.

TAKE THAT, @PAULYPAUL! #SiestaKey pic.twitter.com/ECqUiGW3ZP

On Pauly Paul:

I mean Pauly needs all the respect for knowing so much about his cousin, that’s why I think he needs to just give up the rap career and just become Alex’s butler. I don’t have one friend that I know, or family member, that knows me as well as Pauly knows Alex.

He can make a million dollars a year. I know a butler who makes like two million a year and he knows which pasta his client doesn’t like, just like Pauly. If you know that much about Alex, why don’t you use it to your advantage? Make hella money and then maybe you won’t have to ask Beverly for a few extra thou, ‘cause Alex will give you millions.

On why Pauly Paul hates Juliette so much:

Maybe it’s because Alex had so many girls around before and Pauly’s whole love life was based off of Alex’s entourage of girls. But now Alex is always just with Juliette. Pauly’s over Juliette because there aren’t all these groupie girls hanging naked in the jacuzzi anymore. Alex’s lifestyle definitely changed when he picked a queen to share the throne, to use Juliette’s metaphor.

On whether Alex cares that Juliette broke up with him at the Tiki Bar:

Alex doesn’t care that Juliette broke up with him. That’s what should scare Juliette when she watches this episode. He was ready to move in on Cara and Juliette’s Uber hadn’t even arrived yet. If Juliette hadn’t come back and Cara had called Alex’s bluff and said “Okay let’s get on your boat,” imagine what would have happened. Well it’s not like we had to. Seems like ol’ boy had sex with a rando the next day anyway.

On Alex cozying up to Cara after Juliette left:

There’s two ways to look at this: One, he knew how ridiculous Juliette was being and thought, Oh I’m gonna play along with the narrative that she’s been pushing, and the other one is like, Oh my God, like I really can’t stand Garrett getting the girl I like from college that cheated on me.

He did say, “I was gonna be petty like you,” to Juliette, so that’s my main thought: “Oh these two love to play ‘who can be pettier?’” Real great basis for a relationship. Nancy-Pelosi-clap for you.

On why Cara even entertained Alex when Juliette left:

Yeah, Garrett was mad, but I liked what she said to him: “If Pauly called me over, I would walk up there, too.” She’s basically like, “Wherever the cameras are pointing, I’m walking over.” And I feel that. She just wants screen time. She’s not going to be like that girl Tawni who keeps coming after Ben. I don’t think Cara would have said, “All right King Alex, let’s get on your boat.”

Take a shot every time Cara tries to hint at her money #siestakey #letsgetdrunk

To me, Cara was just saying, “I like being famous, I like getting air time, I like to annoy Juliette because she talks shit and called me deaf and dumb and that was very offensive. And also I need to let people know I have apartments all around the world.” Man, what even was that last part, though? How you gonna flex how rich you are by saying you own some “apartments.” Not even full-blown houses? What are you? A landlord? These apartments got a pool and a weight room?

If Garrett was mad, he should have said something right away or gone up and started talking to someone available immediately. They need to set better boundaries if they’re going to stay together. Communication in the Key is at a prehistoric level. The Flintstones do it better.

On Chloe taking a photo of Cara and Alex and sending it to Juliette:

In real life, I would have been Snapchatting it and IG story-ing it. I was doing the exact same thing on most of The Hills, so I felt like, Duh, get that content.

Looks like @juliettep0rter was right about Cara… I’m making sure she sees this. #SiestaKey

@juliettep0rter don’t let anyone steal your crown babe. You deserve sooo much better #siestaKey

In real life, she would’ve posted it and tagged Juliette. I couldn’t believe she even apologized for it. It’s like: Hello, that’s great content right there!

On Cara’s accusations of fat-shaming when he kneaded her thigh on their date:

The fat shaming accusation was so wild and came out of nowhere. Did Cara not watch season one? Garrett would never fat-shame anyone. He was helping Chloe train for an entire season after Alex and Pauly Paul made those mean comments about her weight.

Just know It’s my job to help people with their bodies & you are beautiful no matter what you think. #SiestaKey

I don’t typically defend @__GarrettMiller but I 100% know he would NEVER body shame a woman #siestakey

Did he say one thing to Chloe that wasn’t kind? Nah, he was just giving her more reps and talking about reaching her dreams. Cara just chose the wrongest person to blow up in that way. It felt like she needed some reason to break up with him, but he was such a nice guy that she couldn’t come out of it looking good if she broke up with him by saying, “I’m just not into you, I want to be with Alex.” No way.

I am 🙋🏼‍♀️ https://t.co/c4vVCAkYnr

On Garrett’s response to Cara’s accusation:

That was the realest thing on The Key: Him crying “I’ve helped so many people,” as he stormed out of the bar. He probably messaged a few of his online clients just to remind them how much progress they’d made as he was sobbing in the parking lot.

Here’s the flip side, though. If Cara did tell him multiple times, “I don’t like when you do that,” then maybe she does have some real insecurities and that’s a trigger. If a woman tells you a trigger and you don’t avoid that, then what the hell are you doing, dude? If she’d told him more than once that she didn’t like him touching her leg, which is the way she acted like, he should’ve had his hand somewhere else and then it wouldn’t be up for debate if it was for affection or not, in my opinion.

GET 👏 YOU 👏 A 👏 @__GARRETTMILLER 👏 #SiestaKey pic.twitter.com/zAMoYXQmCD

On Chloe showing Madisson and Ben a house they could call a home:

I lost it when Juliette’s narration was really trying to make us believe that Ben, all of a sudden, is such a baller that he’s about to get some multi-million dollar beach spot. Come on. Guy would not be coming on Siesta Key if he had that house budget.

Chloe really sold that house, though. You know that house is off the market now this episode has aired. That was really professional of her, to start drama and then discreetly excuse herself to take a phone call “about another property.” That’s what I want from all of my real estate agents from now on.

I wish Chloe were on Game of Thrones. She’s not just gonna poison everyone and take The Iron Throne, she’s gonna to sell it for a profit and get congratulated in the newsletter for “most savage commission.”

On Ben and Madisson’s fight about her being in Brandon’s music video:

Madisson is having a lot of fun with this because this dude’s been jerking around all winter when the cameras were off and now suddenly she’s a TV star and he’s trying to wipe up and she’s like, Uh-uh. He wouldn’t even call her his girlfriend two episodes ago and now he cares so much about her professional acting career? That’s not it, homie. That’s not how this works.

On Brandon’s music video:

My favorite thing I’ve heard in a long time was when Madison walked up to the beach when they’re shooting the music video and was like, Oh my gosh this is so cool! It’s the first music video I’ve been on and it’s like one dude, not even with some fancy camera, pointing it at Brandon. They don’t even have a guy holding a light reflector.

It was the most guerilla-style, bare bones music video, and Madisson rocked up with that energy? If she rolls up to sets and auditions and praises the production value when it’s that low end, she’s gonna really hit it big in the straight-to-streaming market.

On Brandon and Madisson getting back together:

He wants to, and she wants to, but I think he’s really trying to go for the Beyoncé of The Key, who feels like she’s much more his speed in the goals and delusions department.

On Brandon’s music career:

Well he did get to a hundred thousand streams on Spotify. He tweeted that out. So that’s…a level. And he’s got an edge getting his music played on MTV. He has more music content on MTV right now than most new artists. Watch out, Rich Homie Quan.

Me on my way to ruin someone’s life #SiestaKey pic.twitter.com/0iJV0za3zh

On Brandon’s girlfriend, Camilla:

He really should have put her in the music video for at least a second. Every other girl in The Key is represented and Brandon’s actual girlfriend is just hyperventilating on the beach. Come on. I feel real bad for her. I know she doesn’t want to come off as clingy or desperate, but watching her watch that music video, it felt like she was watching Braveheart get tortured to death.

It sucks, though, because I know she’s great for Brandon if only because she truly believes that he’s great for rap music. But that’s also because the only hip-hop she’s ever heard is the cast recording of Hamilton. She loves Broadway.

On Canvas’ relationship with her mom:

Sometimes there’s moments in reality shows where things happen for the greater good. I felt like it was really therapeutic for Canvas to hear her mom say, “I’m gonna try to do better,” even if her Mom said it just to come off better than the last episode.

I’m not crying, you’re crying #siestakey

I had a conversation with my sister on The Hills that probably would have never happened if they weren’t filming up. I got to really express myself. In real life, she probably would’ve stormed away, maybe just like Canvas’ mom. Reality TV does help things sometimes.