The Bachelorette: Let's judge all of Hannah B.'s potential husbandsMarch 14, 2019
There is no rest for dedicated citizens of Bachelor Nation. Just two days after the Bachelor finale — in which Colton wore Cassie down and Chris Harrison announced that Hannah B. is our new Bachelorette — ABC has released images on The Bachelorette‘s official Facebook page of the 33 men (!) who “may” be vying for Hannah’s heart come May 13. The show is inviting fans to share their thoughts on this gaggle of guys (“Leave a ? for who would get your first impression rose”), but it’s unclear if any will be cut before production begins.
If there’s one thing I love doing, rose lovers, it’s offering “feedback” about Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants. Read on for some snap judgments on Hannah B.’s men, many of whom have beards and all of whom have no idea what to do with their hands in photos.
Ben G., 30; Charlotte, NC: I’m just gonna go ahead and quote Facebook user Carter Gish here: “He looks like he gets f—ed up at Applebee’s. ???” Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Brian B., 30; Louisville, KY: Something about his expression in this photo upsets me. Is he looking at something scary or about to laugh? Not into it.
Cameron A., 30; Austin, TX: This is one of the dudes who Hannah met on the Bachelor finale, and he actually won her over — and got the season’s first rose! — by doing a white-boy rap. The women in the EW offices here not as impressed. Noted EW staff editor Kerensa Cadenas declared, “He’s definitely developing an app.”
Chasen C., 27; Longview, WA: Chasen looks like the kind of guy who will buy you fries at happy hour, and then judge you for eating them.
Connor J., 28; Newport Beach, CA: I’m sorry, but if the show can’t even give him proper lighting for his photo, how are we supposed to take him seriously?
Connor S., 24; Dallas, TX: Connor is the very tall man who appeared on the live finale and gave Hannah B. a bedazzled step stool so they could be eye to eye. But he looks much younger than 24. Like, “not old enough to get married in most states” young.
Daron B., 25; Atlanta, GA: Our first ill-fitting shirt of the bunch. Also, could no one have told poor Daron that his belt was drooping?
Devin H., 27; Sherman Oaks, CA: I think EW’s critic-at-large Leah Greenblatt said it best: “It looks like he took a wrong turn at the Vanderpump Rules auditions.”
Dustin, 30; Chicago, IL: Dustin was the second guy out to meet Hannah at the live finale, and he brought her champagne. He seemed quite charming, so I’ll forgive the unfortunate hand placement in this photo.
Dylan B., 24; San Diego, CA: Why is your shirt so big, Dylan B.? Kerensa was on the fence: “He looks like someone I would swipe right on on Tinder because I was bored.”
Garrett P., 27; Birmingham, AL: The high hair is giving me Jef-with-one-F vibes. But like our Bachelorette, he’s from Alabama, so… roll tide, I guess?
Grant E., 30; San Clemente, CA: You know what, Grant? If you’re getting a “professional” photo taken as your possible Bachelorette headshot, maybe come a little more prepared than “white cotton v-neck I got in a Fruit of the Loom 3-pack,” okay?
Hunter J., 24; Westchester, CA: Oooh, he’s cute, and his button down fits properly. Keeper!
Jed W. 25; Nashville, TN: I’m voting him “most likely to serenade Hannah with an original composition he’s already self-published on YouTube.”
Joe B., 30; Chicago, IL: Facebook user Julia Knox sums it up perfectly: “This man looks like he attended Fyre Fest.”
Joe R., 27; Staten Island, NY: Again, why the terrible lighting in this photo? Also, something tells me Hannah B. has no interest in marrying someone who probably watches Goodfellas every Christmas.
Joey J., 33; Bethesda, MD: Poor Joey J. Why is he so pink? Is it just the awful lighting? (I feel like the photographer got actively more hostile with each shoot.) Also, I’m a bit concerned about Joey’s hair — primarily that very severe part.
John Paul J., 24; New Carrolton, MD: I think John Paul (Catholic, perhaps?) time-traveled here from the ’80s where he was tormenting nerds in a teen comedy.
Jonathan S., 27; Los Angeles, CA: It seems shirt selection really is half the battle here. Jonathan’s polo fits nicely, and he’s got a lovely smile.
Kevin F., 27; Manteno, IL: Another manicured beard. If only he paid as much attention to choosing a button-down that actually fits. (No, I will not stop harping on the shirts.)
Luke P., 24; Gainsville, GA: Not a great photo, but we must give Luke P. props: He was the first guy to meet Hannah on the live show, and he handled the pressure pretty well.
Luke S., 29; Washington, D.C.: Even if this guy wasn’t the one who made the crude oral sex joke to Hannah on live TV during the Bachelor finale, I would loathe him based on this photo alone. The popped collar, the smirk, the multiple layers… It all adds up to, “No, I don’t want to read your screenplay, but thanks.”
Matt D., 31; Winter Springs, FL: Thirty-one-years-old? Welcome, Old Man River! Matt is handsome and has a very likable face. As Leah Greenblatt observed, “He looks like a friendly male nurse.”
Matt D., 26; Los Gatos, CA: Two Matt D’s? How will we ever cope? This Matt has some very nice teeth and an approachable vibe about him. He looks like that guy from your friend’s office who you’ve met several times but you can never remember his name.
Matt S., 23; Newport Beach, CA: The consensus among the women in the EW office is that Hannah will be into Matt S.’s very manscaped beard.
Matteo V., 25; Atlanta, GA: I’m really starting to feel like the producers had it in for these guys on portrait day. Why didn’t anyone tell him to fix his belt before the photo?
Mike J., 31; San Antonio, TX: I appreciate that Mike J. went for a bold goldenrod color for his button down rather than a more boring light blue or gray. Though EW correspondent Ruth Kinane has one reservation: “He looks like he talks really loud on the subway.”
Peter W., 27; Westlake Village, CA: He looks harmless.
Ryan S., 25; Philadelphia, PA: An ill-fitting purple henley? Five points from Gryffindor!
Scott A., 28; Chicago, IL: Um… his hair reminds me of Beaker, my favorite Muppet, so he’s got that going for him.
Thomas S., 27; Southfiled, MI: Another strong shirt choice! The bright blue oxford is eye-catching, though I wish he had ironed out the fold-lines before putting it on.
Tyler C., 26; Jupiter, FL: Can someone have “Mansplainer Face”? Because I think Tyler’s got it.
Tyler G., 28; Boca Raton, FL: A thick neck and a vaguely awkward vibe? I think Hannah just might LOVE it.
Okay rose lovers, on a scale of 1 to “Oh my God how am I going to make it through this season?“, where would you rank Hannah’s potential husbands? Post your thoughts below!
The Bachelorette premieres Monday, May 13 on ABC.
- Meet Hannah B., your new Bachelorette
- The Bachelor season finale recap: ‘A gentleman never kisses and tells’
- The Bachelor season 23 premiere: EW’s behind-the-scenes diary
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