My partner makes up excuses to avoid intimacy and I'm sick of it

My partner makes up excuses to avoid intimacy and I'm sick of it

February 1, 2022

DEAR DEIDRE:  MY partner says he can’t breathe if we kiss and that it hurts his tongue if he tries to give me oral sex. It feels like I can’t win.

He’s 49 and I’m 42. He has erectile dysfunction and we went to see a therapist but the homework they set him sends him to sleep.

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The therapist gave him a book to help him but he says he “knows it already”.

He doesn’t use pornography but can masturbate – just seeing a fully clothed pretty woman does it for him.

He sometimes masturbates when I go out but refuses, if I ask him, to do anything with me now.

I am really beginning to ask myself what the point is.

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DEIDRE SAYS: What is the rest of your relationship like? If he is generally dismissive of your needs, it is too one-sided ever to make you happy.

But if it is only sexually there is this disconnect, the problem could be down to him feeling defensive over his erection problems and struggling with emotional intimacy.

In that case, ask him to help you find a compromise. My e-leaflet on Sex Play Therapy explains how to take things back to absolute basics together, without the pressure of intercourse.

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