He says he’s getting a divorce – can I trust him?April 28, 2019
Steph & Dom solve your sex, love & life troubles: He says he’s getting a divorce – can I trust him?
- An anonymous reader asked for advice on dating a married father-of-two
- She says he’s in the divorce process but her friends think she’s being naive
- Steph, 51, urged the reader to end the relationship until he’s officially divorced
- Dom, 54, advised the reader to ask her boyfriend for proof of his separation
TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 54, draw on their 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems . . .
Q: I’m 46 and have been single for a long time. Recently I started using a dating app. The first few men I met were horrendous and I almost gave up hope, but then I met someone.
He’s an accountant, very kind and sweet. Things have been going well: we go out for dinner every week and just went on a weekend away to Bath. The problem is that last week, just after our mini-break, he told me he is still married with two children, but in the process of getting a divorce.
An anonymous reader asked TV’s Steph and Dom Parker for advice on dating a married father-of-two who claims to be going through a divorce (file image)
I was horrified — we’ve been together for two months! Now, I don’t know what to believe. He says they’ve been separated since before Christmas and that his divorce will be done soon. I told my friend and she said I’m being naive. I like him and I thought I had finally found someone. I hate being single, but what if he’s lying?
STEPH SAYS: What struck me most when I read your letter was that you seem to be more concerned about being single than you are about losing this man.
You may well have just had a romantic weekend together, but there’s no hint of love here.
The fact that the first thing you tell us about him is his job title, tells me that you are primarily concerned with finding yourself a ‘suitable’ man. And it’s blatantly obvious he is not that.
I understand it can be very hard to be single, but it’s not some dreadful curse to be avoided at all costs — and when I say all cost, it seems that you’ll almost do anything to avoid being on your own.
Because be under no illusion, choosing to be with a man who is married — with two children — is morally wrong. You might not want it to be, but it is.
This is not about your heart. I get the impression this is more of a lifestyle drama. Your focus is on wanting to be part of a couple, going out for dinner and always on holidays and mini-breaks together.
Steph (pictured left with Dom) advised the reader to end the relationship and to have faith that she’ll meet someone else
I have a strong suspicion that, having finally landed yourself a chap, you cannot bear the idea of being a singleton once more and that you have written to us because you’d like us to either condone you staying with him or to sympathise with you for being so badly duped.
Well, I’m afraid I cannot do either. I’m not going to say ‘poor you’. I’m appalled you’re even thinking about staying with someone else’s husband.
Not to mention someone who’s been so massively cavalier with your feelings and deliberately deceitful! It could very well be that he is telling you the truth and is indeed in the process of divorcing his wife, but I don’t think that really matters here.
If you were deeply in love, then maybe, just maybe, it might be worth the inevitable trauma for all concerned, but you’re not, so it isn’t.
And, for what it’s worth, I always think new relationships shouldn’t be started until old ones are truly over — and that means officially divorced!
I do sympathise with your experience of dating apps. From what I hear, they’re teeming with married men using alter egos to pick up women.
And it does seem like this chap has manipulated you, sucked you in until you’re emotionally invested, then ’fessed up.
I don’t think there is a moral dilemma here. You must end the relationship. There are plenty more fish in the internet — and not all of them are married. Have more faith in yourself.
DOM SAYS: I’ve re-read your letter and I’m sorry to say I don’t believe that deep down you didn’t consider this right from the very start.
It strikes me as fundamentally peculiar that you didn’t have this conversation on your first date! Or before your first date!
What on earth did you message each other about? Surely it’s perfectly normal to have ‘getting to know you’ texts and the like?
Dom (pictured) told the reader to ask her boyfriend for proof that he’s going through a divorce
If I’m having dinner with someone, I want to know who they are — and that’s as a happily married man. I simply can’t imagine spending an evening with someone and emerging without knowing about their life. Are they married? Where did they meet? Do they have children? How old are they?
These are simply polite questions. How boring and shallow to spend time with someone without asking them.
So, no, I feel sure that this sort of thing must’ve come up, which means that either of you steered the conversation off topic to avoid having to find out. He must have lied in his responses. Or at the very least, been evasive. And if he was evasive and you let him get away with it, then you’re complicit. I’m afraid I’m not buying that you really are that naive. Rather, I think you chose not to know and that makes you just as guilty as him.
Dating sites are notorious for being full of people — men and women — who are playing away, without any intention of ever leaving their spouse.
What’s interesting here is that, rather than give up before he was rumbled and move on to another woman, this chap has confessed. And that’s giving me pause for thought. Because here’s the thing — it could mean that he’s finally telling the truth. And he’s doing so because he is interested in a long-term relationship with you.
It doesn’t change the fact he was economic with the truth. But it does perhaps mean you could choose to give him the benefit of the doubt. But only for one more conversation.
If you truly believe he is getting divorced, ask him for proof. Tell him you might be willing to move forward with him if he can show you he is indeed divorcing.
If he shows you a letter or an email from a lawyer, then fine. You lied to yourself as much as he did to you. You can’t hold it against him without holding it against yourself, too.
So if he has finally come clean then put the lies behind you and move forward together. And if not? Well, you know the answer.
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