CRAIG BROWN: Now get your skates on for Brexit on Ice!January 15, 2019
Now get your skates on for Brexit on Ice! CRAIG BROWN looks ahead to a year of the Greggs vegan sausage roll on tour and your favourite political characters fighting it out in the rink
Shows you must see in 2019 (Part 1)
Brexit On Ice- O2 Stadium (March)
All your favourite Brexit characters, including Boris Johnson, Michael Gove, Anna Soubry and Jeremy Corbyn, don their skates to appear in this song-and-dance ice spectacular.
‘They’ve put aside their differences and come together to create a magical wonderland of indecision’, says top choreographer Craig Revel Horwood.
‘We’re hoping it’ll run for years and years.’
Songs include Should I Stay Or Should I Go?, I’m Leaving On A Delayed Jet Plane’ and many more.
Now get your skates on for Brexit on Ice! All your favourite Brexit characters, including Boris Johnson, Michael Gove, Anna Soubry and Jeremy Corbyn, don their skates to appear in this song-and-dance ice spectacular [File photo]
Downton Abbey: Dowager’s Revenge (September)
Lord and Lady Grantham and the rest of the household finally make it to the big screen. To gain the all-important international audience, the producers have tweaked the plot for added excitement.
Appalled at being served a stale cucumber sandwich at the annual Downton Tea-Party, Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham (Maggie Smith) exacts her revenge by placing a shark in the village pond.
Upset ensues after dinner is delayed by 23 minutes, at which point a concerned Mr Carson takes Lord Grantham to one side and informs him that the severed corpse of Mrs Patmore has just been found washed up near the duck house.
Appalled at being served a stale cucumber sandwich at the annual Downton Tea-Party, Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham (Maggie Smith) exacts her revenge by placing a shark in the village pond [File photo]
‘Of course, when Mrs Patmore took a dip, she had no idea the offending creature would be lurking there, m’lud, or else she would have prepared dinner beforehand, of that we may be sure.
The last thing she would have wanted would be for dinner to be delayed on account of her untimely demise.’
Mrs Patmore is buried in an unmarked grave, but the terror at Downton ratchets up when demure housekeeper Mrs Hughes is kidnapped by aliens.
Only after local police spot the leader of the aliens wearing a diamond tiara do Lord Grantham’s suspicions fall upon his mother, the Dowager Countess.
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Consequently, he pays a call on his mother, who is sitting outside with a self-satisfied smile on her face.
‘Mama, I really do think that the servants have suffered enough for what was, after all, only the most minor of errors’, he tells her.
‘If that’s what you think, take that, punk!’ replies the Dowager Countess, lifting up her skirts, removing a 44 Magnum from her thigh-holster and shooting Lord Grantham through the chest.
She then unlocks a picnic basket and unleashes a family of boa constrictors onto the lawn, shortly before the annual Staff Get-Together is due to take place.
On Tour: Greggs’ Vegan Sausage Roll (April)
One of the most controversial acts of the year, Greggs’ Vegan Sausage Roll, embarks on a nationwide tour of 22 venues, culminating with a performance at London’s Royal Albert Hall on April 27.
‘I’ll be telling some of my best-loved anecdotes before taking questions from the audience’, says the Vegan Sausage Roll.
‘And, yes, you can guarantee I’ll be telling my trademark story of how I made Piers Morgan feel sick!’
‘I’ll be telling some of my best-loved anecdotes before taking questions from the audience’, says the Vegan Sausage Roll [File photo]
The Crown: Series 3 (March)
The latest series charts the fortunes of the Royal Family from 1964-1970.
By far the most exciting event in this period was, of course, the birth of Prince Edward, now the Earl of Wessex. Screenwriter Peter Morgan draws on years of research to include scenes of universal rejoicing.
Episode two shows the young Edward’s first tentative steps into showbiz, when he plays The Baby Jesus at the Theatre Royal, Windsor. By episode three, he has taken on the lead role in Oliver! for a sell-out season at the Palladium.
But, in episode four, the young Edward faces an agonising decision. Should he follow his dreams, and pursue a glittering career in Hollywood? Or should he put away his costumes and make-up for ever and buckle down to royal duty?
In episode five, he dons a navy-blue suit and tie, resigned to touring naval training colleges in the provinces for the rest of his life.
‘Before I started researching Edward’s story, I had no idea he had once been a major child star of the West End stage’ reveals Morgan.
‘Or that it was his great-great-great grandmother Queen Victoria who finally stamped on his dreams, telling him, in no uncertain terms, that he had been born to serve.’
Timothy Spall plays the young Edward, with Kate Beckinsale as Queen Victoria.
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