I felt like I was 'failing' with 'disappointing' sex until 35 – now I'm an expert at 53, I want women to take control | The Sun

A 53-YEAR-OLD sex expert is encouraging people to talk more about the deed in order to maximize personal pleasure.

In her new book, Smart Sex, Dr. Emily Morse discusses key skills needed to have more control in the bedroom — and she told The U.S. Sun that the "best lubricant" isn't what people might think.

Though she's an expert now — having written two books and hosted a podcast for 18 years — Dr. Morse didn't actually enjoy sex herself until she was 35.

The Los Angeles-based carnal connoisseur said her partners were satisfied with her performance, but she was never present — physically or mentally.

Dr. Morse admitted: "I was having sex. But honestly, I found that sex was really disappointing.

"I felt that I was failing at it. I thought, 'I don't really know what I'm doing.'"

Frustrated and let down, she looked for any information she could find on how to feel pleasure, but most people seemed to be as lost as she was.

So she took matters into her hands, launching Sex With Emily in 2005.

"I thought, what a better way to have conversations with people than using audio media so people could be more open?" she recalled.

Now the podcast is the longest-running in its category, available on Spotify and iTunes with new episodes twice a week.

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In Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure, Dr. Morse moved away from providing quick tips to satisfy and opened the discussion to include sexual intelligence.

She discusses the five pillars associated: embodiment, health, self-awareness, self-knowledge, and collaboration.

Speaking to The U,S, Sun, she focused on the importance of self-awareness and self-knowledge, explaining that knowing, understanding, and accepting our bodies is a non-negotiable for being present and feeling pleasure in sexual situations.

"We keep ourselves from having great sex because we don't feel as great about our bodies," she said.

"We don't explore our bodies or understand what makes us feel good.

"We're all responsible for our own pleasure. It's not up to any partner to crack the code and figure it out."

Before Dr. Morse came to realize this essential aspect of pleasing herself during intercourse, she was doing everything she thought she should be.

She was performing "perfectly," she said — arching her back and moaning like she'd seen other women do in media.

But she'd fallen victim to these false narratives of what sex should be, just as so many have, and it wasn't allowing her to be present in her body.

She explained: "A lot of us like to give pleasure, or we think that we have to, and we have a hard time laying back and receiving."

Control in the bedroom stems from the understanding that it's all about give and take.

But you have to explore your desires and what pleasures your body most for sex to be enjoyable.

Discovering your turn-ons, turn-offs, and needs opens your mind to the fact that you are just as deserving of pleasure as your partner is.

Dr. Morse doesn't feel dominance is something to focus on in the bedroom, and she doesn't.

Though some men are insecure and intimidated because of her job, she never feels dominant — or at least she's not focused on that.

"My knowledge is about being present, going slow, experimenting, giving, and learning to give and receive. So it's not about techniques," she admitted.

"That's why I wrote this book, too, because everyone wants a quick fix.

"But at the end of the day, when you're with a partner who's open to the experience of what you're going to co-create together at the moment, it's not really about who is leading the whole situation in the bedroom.

"I know you can only have great sex with self-love, self-awareness, and the ability to communicate about sex."

Communication is the best lubrication. The more you talk about sex, the better it will be.

Dr. Morse likes to say: "Communication is the best lubrication. The more you talk about sex, the better it will be."

Whether in a monogamous relationship, situationship, or a one-night stand, communicating with your partner will open you up more than words.

The sex podcast host believes physical chemistry can only take you so far.

Attraction is great, but it doesn't guarantee your pleasure.

"Yes, chemistry is great. We definitely need that initial attraction in the beginning. But it's also not sustainable without some other factors," she proclaimed.

Communication can help keep the chemistry up.

How well and how often you speak with your partners about any expectations, desires, and fantasies will affect your bedroom experiences.

For people in long-term relationships and marriages, discussing their sex life is essential.

It's easy to fall into a comfortable pattern after the honeymoon phase, but Dr. Morse doesn't believe that's healthy for the future.

"I think the most important thing is to communicate about your relationship and about your sex life," she said.

"I love talking about the sexual state of the union. I think that couples should have a once-a-month time to talk about their sex life.

"It’s about prioritizing and recognizing that sex is important to your overall being."

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And it doesn't matter what kind of sex you're having or looking to have.

The expert said: "The truth is, if you learn these tools of sexual intelligence, you can walk into any sexual situation and make sure that it works for you and the person you're with."

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