The "He-Man" Movie Is Happening And It Will Probably Star…. Him?!!!?March 21, 2019
It seems like nowadays whenever Hollywood is looking to cast someone in a big budget or big budget-ish movie, they don’t look for someone who fits the role. They don’t even look for someone who fits the role if you grease them up with Crisco, four kinds of lube, and a prayer before grabbing an industrial-strength shoehorn to shove them into that role. They just look for a ton of Instagram followers, and since Noah Centineo has over 16 million Instagram followers, he’s “in talks” to play He-Man in the reboot of Masters of the Universe. I wonder if during those “talks” a voice of reason popped up to say, “Err, so we’re talking to Noah Centino about playing He-Man? Not He-Child, right? Like this isn’t a Muppet Babies version of He-Man? Also, what drugs are you all on and why aren’t you sharing them with me?”
Variety says that the brotherly filmmaking duo of Aaron and Adam Nee will direct Masters of the Universe with shooting starting this July in Prague. Sony and Mattel Films have joined forces to bring this mess to the big screen, and Sony has been looking for another project for Noah after he was in their Charlie’s Angels reboot starring Kristen Stewart.
22-year-old Noah Centineo, who gives me young Joey Lawrence meets (NSFW) this gay porn star vibes, became the IT boy of the internet thanks to Netflix’s To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before and Sierra Burgess Is A Loser.
The original Masters of the Universe movie came out in 1987 and starred Dolph Lundgren as He-Man, Frank Langhella as Skeletor, Billy Barty as the iconic Gwildor, Meg Foster as Evil-Lyn, and Courteney Cox. It was directed by accused boy rapist Gary Goddard. It won several Oscars and became the highest-grossing movie of the 80s with $1.4 billion worldwide. No, it was flop and only made $17 million worldwide on a $22 million budget. This is Dolph Lundgren in He-Man drag:
I guess Sony thinks that their Masters of the Universe will be different and are hoping that Noah Centineo’s Instagram followers aren’t mostly bots, or at least bots whose mom gives them an allowance so they can buy movie tickets.
My thoughts and prayers are with Kellan Lutz’s ass muscles, because they’re going to crack and break as he clenches something extra while screaming over how that Noah Centineo fetus took the role that rightfully belongs to him!
My thoughts and prayers are also with the Hollywood Police Department who are definitely going to get a bunch of ragey calls from people needing to report Sony for wrongly and shamelessly robbing Big Nasty (Dolph Lundgren’s son in Creed II) of the role that rightfully belongs to him!
Maybe this Noah Centineo child will go on the Chris Hemsworth Thor diet and put on a million pounds of muscles to go with the blond Ann Jillian bob wig his ass better be wearing to play He-Man. And if Noah doesn’t muscle up, then they’ll have to change the line “By the power of Grayskull!” to “By the power of a bouncy castle!”
Pics: Instagram, Warner Bros.
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