Malin Andersson opens up on suicide attempt and reveals how she pulled herself out of depression – EXCLUSIVEJuly 8, 2020
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When my mum died I had suicidal thoughts but I never wanted to do anything.
It was after my daughter died that summer that I actually tried and I ended up in hospital.
I was in a toxic bubble in my relationship, it was at the peak of how terrible a relationship can be – I was being manipulated and beaten black and blue.
It wasn't planned, but I always said that if Consy were to die and leave along with my mum that I wanted to go with them.
I was numb, I wasn't thinking straight. When you're in that frame of mind, depression just takes over. I remember becoming so unaware of my surroundings, but I managed to call 999 and they came.
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I think people were quite surprised because I'm usually such a bubbly, happy person. But no one can predict what happens in someone's head. No one should ever assume either.
I didn't want to tell my siblings, so my best friend Sarah guided me through it. She felt the pain that I felt, she could see it through my eyes. Sarah was probably the most amount of strength I had throughout the whole thing.
When someone wants to end their life it's because they can't see the future anymore. You can't see past today and I found for me, the biggest struggle after losing her, was that I had built up this family vision in my mind.
I went to therapy after it happened, but I didn't go consistently and I didn't enjoy it. I think I just didn't find the right therapist for me.
At the time I had just come back from Bali and I'd gone through this spiritual awakening. So by talking to Sarah on a deeper level I healed.
The whole thing has been a learning curve and I think now, since lockdown, I've developed massively.
If you find yourself having similar thoughts or if this resonates with you on some level, just know that there are many mental health charities that can help get you out of that mindset: Samaritans, Mind, the Mental Health Foundation…
I think you need to get to the root of the issue. For me, I realised I was in a toxic environment and I wasn't allowing myself to heal from my traumas.
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So I had to do a lot of work and develop myself. You can reach out and talk to people, but it has to come from you, you've got to put the work in and want to help yourself.
I unfollowed every account that I knew would trigger me in someway. I don't need that in my life. I don't focus on things that aren't healthy for my mind.
I also keep my environment as clean and as healthy as possible. Journalling has been a big thing for me. I look back at my journals from last year and every day has got better. It's good to see how far you've come.
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Be kind to yourself. Make changes that you know you can do: exercise, meditate, eat clean food. With all these little changes you'll see how your mind works, it'll be different.
Throughout all of this I realised that my purpose is helping other people, being a light in peoples darkness. Once I figured this out, I could understand why I suffered and went through these trials and tribulations.
I focus on the positive from the negative experience.
If you have been affected by this story, you can call the Samaritans on 116 123 or visit www.samaritans.org.
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